I admire you for heeding the Lord's calling for your life. I will never forget how disappointed I was when I went to the pastor of a church I helped build/govern regarding a troubled teenage stepdaughter. His advice was go see someone else, he wasn't cut out for that type of counseling.

Allen Gamble said:

---

Man if this doesn't sound exactly like my situation. I've been struggling with this lately as I currently have no urge to speak with my father since his last outburst. He's an emotionally immature ******* and has been the majority of my life. The constant negativity, berating and belittling of my mom and sister, and the unpredictable moods. Any little thing can set him off. I'm 33 and have never been able to be myself around him, like constantly walking on eggshells. So exhausting. I feel like my growth as a person was stunted due to his behavior, specifically in my self-esteem and handling conflict. There were periods of time where he was loving such as being supportive of my school and career choices and handling a job loss. He does make sure to tell me he loves me every time we see each other. I'm just sick and tired of his antics.

Not only that, but he'll go out of his to make racist comments around me and my wife, of which i've had to draw a boundary on with him. What bugs me the most is how he says he values one thing, but acts opposite of that.

I just got married 3 weeks ago, and the night before my wedding he creates drama. Kicks my sister out of the room they were staying in at the resort my wedding was at. She stood up to him as he belittled my mom and he lashed out at her. My sister had just gotten out of a broken engagement, and my dad told her he already wasted $10K on her for the failed engagement in wedding costs. What kind of sick **** is that?

Long story short, my sister ends up staying in a different room that my in-laws paid for. My friends saw all this go down and now my wife's family is involved in this. He couldn't even keep it together for one night, on my most important weekend of my life.

I know he's admitted of being physically and emotionally abused by his father, who's still living. I've never seen them hug and hardly say i love you. But he had every opportunity to break the cycle, and chose not to. I'm afraid i might carry over his bully-like behaviors into my family. I'm just sick of his crap.

Going forward, my wife and I believe we'll just limit our time around him and my mom, as they are a package deal. But the moment his behavior is out of line, we're out.

---

Yeah I'm sure I'll get backlash on here for this, but you may just have to disassociate yourself. Doesn't mean you can't forgive and come to terms. Perhaps even develop an understanding as to why your dad is the way he is

But to put it bluntly, if he can't even hold it together for your wedding without creating a sh/tshow, and makes racist comments, etc

Sorry to call a spade a spade but he needs to change or you may need to stay clear

Flame away

Captain Pablo said:

---

Allen Gamble said:

---

Man if this doesn't sound exactly like my situation. I've been struggling with this lately as I currently have no urge to speak with my father since his last outburst. He's an emotionally immature ******* and has been the majority of my life. The constant negativity, berating and belittling of my mom and sister, and the unpredictable moods. Any little thing can set him off. I'm 33 and have never been able to be myself around him, like constantly walking on eggshells. So exhausting. I feel like my growth as a person was stunted due to his behavior, specifically in my self-esteem and handling conflict. There were periods of time where he was loving such as being supportive of my school and career choices and handling a job loss. He does make sure to tell me he loves me every time we see each other. I'm just sick and tired of his antics.

Not only that, but he'll go out of his to make racist comments around me and my wife, of which i've had to draw a boundary on with him. What bugs me the most is how he says he values one thing, but acts opposite of that.

I just got married 3 weeks ago, and the night before my wedding he creates drama. Kicks my sister out of the room they were staying in at the resort my wedding was at. She stood up to him as he belittled my mom and he lashed out at her. My sister had just gotten out of a broken engagement, and my dad told her he already wasted $10K on her for the failed engagement in wedding costs. What kind of sick **** is that?

Long story short, my sister ends up staying in a different room that my in-laws paid for. My friends saw all this go down and now my wife's family is involved in this. He couldn't even keep it together for one night, on my most important weekend of my life.

I know he's admitted of being physically and emotionally abused by his father, who's still living. I've never seen them hug and hardly say i love you. But he had every opportunity to break the cycle, and chose not to. I'm afraid i might carry over his bully-like behaviors into my family. I'm just sick of his crap.

Going forward, my wife and I believe we'll just limit our time around him and my mom, as they are a package deal. But the moment his behavior is out of line, we're out.

---

Yeah I'm sure I'll get backlash on here for this, but you may just have to disassociate yourself. Doesn't mean you can't forgive and come to terms. Perhaps even develop an understanding as to why your dad is the way he is

But to put it bluntly, if he can't even hold it together for your wedding without creating a sh/tshow, and makes racist comments, etc

Sorry to call a spade a spade but he needs to change or you may need to stay clear

Flame away

---

I don't think there's anything wrong with your statement. There's no obligation, moral or otherwise, to subject ourselves to abuse or harassment. I think the only obligation is to love someone where they are and to the extent they are willing to accept your love. You are not required to compel them to let you love them. Pray for them. Be there for them if they ask for help or need support but there is no requirement to affirmatively expose yourself or your loved ones to abuse and dysfunction. In fact, the opposite might be true. It's a difficult, imprecise balance to try to strike and it might be that it's too risky or traumatic to do so and if that's the case then yes, total separation might be necessary until such time as it's safe to expose yourself or your loved ones to the potential harm.

I would only add that it is in those darkest circumstances where God's grace can do the most amazing things.

Allen Gamble said:

---

Man if this doesn't sound exactly like my situation. I've been struggling with this lately as I currently have no urge to speak with my father since his last outburst. He's an emotionally immature ******* and has been the majority of my life. The constant negativity, berating and belittling of my mom and sister, and the unpredictable moods. Any little thing can set him off. I'm 33 and have never been able to be myself around him, like constantly walking on eggshells. So exhausting. I feel like my growth as a person was stunted due to his behavior, specifically in my self-esteem and handling conflict. There were periods of time where he was loving such as being supportive of my school and career choices and handling a job loss. He does make sure to tell me he loves me every time we see each other. I'm just sick and tired of his antics.

Not only that, but he'll go out of his to make racist comments around me and my wife, of which i've had to draw a boundary on with him. What bugs me the most is how he says he values one thing, but acts opposite of that.

I just got married 3 weeks ago, and the night before my wedding he creates drama. Kicks my sister out of the room they were staying in at the resort my wedding was at. She stood up to him as he belittled my mom and he lashed out at her. My sister had just gotten out of a broken engagement, and my dad told her he already wasted $10K on her for the failed engagement in wedding costs. What kind of sick **** is that?

Long story short, my sister ends up staying in a different room that my in-laws paid for. My friends saw all this go down and now my wife's family is involved in this. He couldn't even keep it together for one night, on my most important weekend of my life.

I know he's admitted of being physically and emotionally abused by his father, who's still living. I've never seen them hug and hardly say i love you. But he had every opportunity to break the cycle, and chose not to. I'm afraid i might carry over his bully-like behaviors into my family. I'm just sick of his crap.

Going forward, my wife and I believe we'll just limit our time around him and my mom, as they are a package deal. But the moment his behavior is out of line, we're out.

---

Speaking from my experience versus that of my brothers', I would advise you to do your best to see what ways he did break the cycle. Try to love him in whatever ways you can for what he didn't continue, however imperfect. But if he was better than his dad, do your best to focus on that. Your focus is a choice.

My brother's have really struggled with this and have recently been confronted by their wives that they are "just like your dad". They see themselves as so much better than our dad because they aren't doing x, y and z. But it seems like their personal pride of not doing specific things our dad did has blinded them to the fact that they have many issues to work on as well. Heck, that may actually be your dad's problem and why he didn't do better. "At least I don't (insert actions here) like my dad" is a dangerous path to take, and I'm witnessing it first hand. Perhaps you are too. Maybe for your dad it's "at least I don't beat my kids and I actually tell them I love them" that blinds him to the other wrongs he is doing.

If you can, try and love his good qualities. Pray for his bad ones. Show your wife and future kids that we love grandpa anyway, even when he's wrong. "Grandpa shouldn't say those words.... let's pray for him to see that it's wrong". "I know grandpa doesn't go to church, even though he should...Let's pray for him". "I wish grandpa didn't yell all the time too... let's pray for him to learn how to control his emotions". Forgive your dad as much as you can, while setting reasonable boundaries as you have with the racist comments. If our kids see us forgiving our fathers for their flaws, we're much more likely to receive our kids forgiveness for our own flaws.

The Banned said:

---

Allen Gamble said:

---

Man if this doesn't sound exactly like my situation. I've been struggling with this lately as I currently have no urge to speak with my father since his last outburst. He's an emotionally immature ******* and has been the majority of my life. The constant negativity, berating and belittling of my mom and sister, and the unpredictable moods. Any little thing can set him off. I'm 33 and have never been able to be myself around him, like constantly walking on eggshells. So exhausting. I feel like my growth as a person was stunted due to his behavior, specifically in my self-esteem and handling conflict. There were periods of time where he was loving such as being supportive of my school and career choices and handling a job loss. He does make sure to tell me he loves me every time we see each other. I'm just sick and tired of his antics.

Not only that, but he'll go out of his to make racist comments around me and my wife, of which i've had to draw a boundary on with him. What bugs me the most is how he says he values one thing, but acts opposite of that.

I just got married 3 weeks ago, and the night before my wedding he creates drama. Kicks my sister out of the room they were staying in at the resort my wedding was at. She stood up to him as he belittled my mom and he lashed out at her. My sister had just gotten out of a broken engagement, and my dad told her he already wasted $10K on her for the failed engagement in wedding costs. What kind of sick **** is that?

Long story short, my sister ends up staying in a different room that my in-laws paid for. My friends saw all this go down and now my wife's family is involved in this. He couldn't even keep it together for one night, on my most important weekend of my life.

I know he's admitted of being physically and emotionally abused by his father, who's still living. I've never seen them hug and hardly say i love you. But he had every opportunity to break the cycle, and chose not to. I'm afraid i might carry over his bully-like behaviors into my family. I'm just sick of his crap.

Going forward, my wife and I believe we'll just limit our time around him and my mom, as they are a package deal. But the moment his behavior is out of line, we're out.

---

Speaking from my experience versus that of my brothers', I would advise you to do your best to see what ways he did break the cycle. Try to love him in whatever ways you can for what he didn't continue, however imperfect. But if he was better than his dad, do your best to focus on that. Your focus is a choice.

My brother's have really struggled with this and have recently been confronted by their wives that they are "just like your dad". They see themselves as so much better than our dad because they aren't doing x, y and z. But it seems like their personal pride of not doing specific things our dad did has blinded them to the fact that they have many issues to work on as well. Heck, that may actually be your dad's problem and why he didn't do better. "At least I don't (insert actions here) like my dad" is a dangerous path to take, and I'm witnessing it first hand. Perhaps you are too. Maybe for your dad it's "at least I don't beat my kids and I actually tell them I love them" that blinds him to the other wrongs he is doing.

If you can, try and love his good qualities. Pray for his bad ones. Show your wife and future kids that we love grandpa anyway, even when he's wrong. "Grandpa shouldn't say those words.... let's pray for him to see that it's wrong". "I know grandpa doesn't go to church, even though he should...Let's pray for him". "I wish grandpa didn't yell all the time too... let's pray for him to learn how to control his emotions". Forgive your dad as much as you can, while setting reasonable boundaries as you have with the racist comments. If our kids see us forgiving our fathers for their flaws, we're much more likely to receive our kids forgiveness for our own flaws.

---

Great post. Perfect plan to pray for him with your kids.

swimmerbabe11 said:

---

The first time I did private confession, it wasn't actually my plan to be going to private confession. I was expecting to go to counseling about this exact type of issue.

After a few minutes of explaining my situation and why I was struggling with anger, frustration, and resentment, my pastor told me that I wasn't really dealing with my father's actions anymore, but rather my own inability to forgive and deal with my sinful nature. He asked me to repeat what I had told him, but with the recognition that a Christian has a duty to forgive those who trespass against them, and then he gave me absolution. I'm not even sure I'm explaining it all correctly, but I know it did more in that 20 minutes or so than any therapy has thought about achieving.

Highly suggest going to your spiritual leader to discuss these things. Private confession is very healing.

---

I had a similar experience my first confession. (Now) Bishop Mike Sis let me know that you don't have to like someone to forgive them.

Bird Poo said:

---

swimmerbabe11 said:

---

The first time I did private confession, it wasn't actually my plan to be going to private confession. I was expecting to go to counseling about this exact type of issue.

After a few minutes of explaining my situation and why I was struggling with anger, frustration, and resentment, my pastor told me that I wasn't really dealing with my father's actions anymore, but rather my own inability to forgive and deal with my sinful nature. He asked me to repeat what I had told him, but with the recognition that a Christian has a duty to forgive those who trespass against them, and then he gave me absolution. I'm not even sure I'm explaining it all correctly, but I know it did more in that 20 minutes or so than any therapy has thought about achieving.

Highly suggest going to your spiritual leader to discuss these things. Private confession is very healing.

---

I had a similar experience my first confession. (Now) Bishop Mike Sis let me know that you don't have to like someone to forgive them.

---

Yep, we forgave my former office manager, supposed part of the family, who stole over a million from me over 15 years. And she was rich and married to a doc.

But we can not bring ourselves to like her.

The Banned said:

---

Allen Gamble said:

---

Man if this doesn't sound exactly like my situation. I've been struggling with this lately as I currently have no urge to speak with my father since his last outburst. He's an emotionally immature ******* and has been the majority of my life. The constant negativity, berating and belittling of my mom and sister, and the unpredictable moods. Any little thing can set him off. I'm 33 and have never been able to be myself around him, like constantly walking on eggshells. So exhausting. I feel like my growth as a person was stunted due to his behavior, specifically in my self-esteem and handling conflict. There were periods of time where he was loving such as being supportive of my school and career choices and handling a job loss. He does make sure to tell me he loves me every time we see each other. I'm just sick and tired of his antics.

Not only that, but he'll go out of his to make racist comments around me and my wife, of which i've had to draw a boundary on with him. What bugs me the most is how he says he values one thing, but acts opposite of that.

I just got married 3 weeks ago, and the night before my wedding he creates drama. Kicks my sister out of the room they were staying in at the resort my wedding was at. She stood up to him as he belittled my mom and he lashed out at her. My sister had just gotten out of a broken engagement, and my dad told her he already wasted $10K on her for the failed engagement in wedding costs. What kind of sick **** is that?

Long story short, my sister ends up staying in a different room that my in-laws paid for. My friends saw all this go down and now my wife's family is involved in this. He couldn't even keep it together for one night, on my most important weekend of my life.

I know he's admitted of being physically and emotionally abused by his father, who's still living. I've never seen them hug and hardly say i love you. But he had every opportunity to break the cycle, and chose not to. I'm afraid i might carry over his bully-like behaviors into my family. I'm just sick of his crap.

Going forward, my wife and I believe we'll just limit our time around him and my mom, as they are a package deal. But the moment his behavior is out of line, we're out.

---

Speaking from my experience versus that of my brothers', I would advise you to do your best to see what ways he did break the cycle. Try to love him in whatever ways you can for what he didn't continue, however imperfect. But if he was better than his dad, do your best to focus on that. Your focus is a choice.

My brother's have really struggled with this and have recently been confronted by their wives that they are "just like your dad". They see themselves as so much better than our dad because they aren't doing x, y and z. But it seems like their personal pride of not doing specific things our dad did has blinded them to the fact that they have many issues to work on as well. Heck, that may actually be your dad's problem and why he didn't do better. "At least I don't (insert actions here) like my dad" is a dangerous path to take, and I'm witnessing it first hand. Perhaps you are too. Maybe for your dad it's "at least I don't beat my kids and I actually tell them I love them" that blinds him to the other wrongs he is doing.

If you can, try and love his good qualities. Pray for his bad ones. Show your wife and future kids that we love grandpa anyway, even when he's wrong. "Grandpa shouldn't say those words.... let's pray for him to see that it's wrong". "I know grandpa doesn't go to church, even though he should...Let's pray for him". "I wish grandpa didn't yell all the time too... let's pray for him to learn how to control his emotions". Forgive your dad as much as you can, while setting reasonable boundaries as you have with the racist comments. If our kids see us forgiving our fathers for their flaws, we're much more likely to receive our kids forgiveness for our own flaws.

---

I think this is fantastic guidance. Well said.

dermdoc said:

---

Bird Poo said:

---

swimmerbabe11 said:

---

The first time I did private confession, it wasn't actually my plan to be going to private confession. I was expecting to go to counseling about this exact type of issue.

After a few minutes of explaining my situation and why I was struggling with anger, frustration, and resentment, my pastor told me that I wasn't really dealing with my father's actions anymore, but rather my own inability to forgive and deal with my sinful nature. He asked me to repeat what I had told him, but with the recognition that a Christian has a duty to forgive those who trespass against them, and then he gave me absolution. I'm not even sure I'm explaining it all correctly, but I know it did more in that 20 minutes or so than any therapy has thought about achieving.

Highly suggest going to your spiritual leader to discuss these things. Private confession is very healing.

---

I had a similar experience my first confession. (Now) Bishop Mike Sis let me know that you don't have to like someone to forgive them.

---

Yep, we forgave my former office manager, supposed part of the family, who stole over a million from me over 15 years. And she was rich and married to a doc.

But we can not bring ourselves to like her.

---

Hopefully she went to prison

Captain Pablo said:

---

dermdoc said:

---

Bird Poo said:

---

swimmerbabe11 said:

---

The first time I did private confession, it wasn't actually my plan to be going to private confession. I was expecting to go to counseling about this exact type of issue.

After a few minutes of explaining my situation and why I was struggling with anger, frustration, and resentment, my pastor told me that I wasn't really dealing with my father's actions anymore, but rather my own inability to forgive and deal with my sinful nature. He asked me to repeat what I had told him, but with the recognition that a Christian has a duty to forgive those who trespass against them, and then he gave me absolution. I'm not even sure I'm explaining it all correctly, but I know it did more in that 20 minutes or so than any therapy has thought about achieving.

Highly suggest going to your spiritual leader to discuss these things. Private confession is very healing.

---

I had a similar experience my first confession. (Now) Bishop Mike Sis let me know that you don't have to like someone to forgive them.

---

Yep, we forgave my former office manager, supposed part of the family, who stole over a million from me over 15 years. And she was rich and married to a doc.

But we can not bring ourselves to like her.

---

Hopefully she went to prison

---

She paid me some to keep from going to prison. Was indicted for a first degree felony.

dermdoc said:

---

Captain Pablo said:

---

dermdoc said:

---

Bird Poo said:

---

swimmerbabe11 said:

---

The first time I did private confession, it wasn't actually my plan to be going to private confession. I was expecting to go to counseling about this exact type of issue.

After a few minutes of explaining my situation and why I was struggling with anger, frustration, and resentment, my pastor told me that I wasn't really dealing with my father's actions anymore, but rather my own inability to forgive and deal with my sinful nature. He asked me to repeat what I had told him, but with the recognition that a Christian has a duty to forgive those who trespass against them, and then he gave me absolution. I'm not even sure I'm explaining it all correctly, but I know it did more in that 20 minutes or so than any therapy has thought about achieving.

Highly suggest going to your spiritual leader to discuss these things. Private confession is very healing.

---

I had a similar experience my first confession. (Now) Bishop Mike Sis let me know that you don't have to like someone to forgive them.

---

Yep, we forgave my former office manager, supposed part of the family, who stole over a million from me over 15 years. And she was rich and married to a doc.

But we can not bring ourselves to like her.

---

Hopefully she went to prison

---

She paid me some to keep from going to prison. Was indicted for a first degree felony.

---

Ugh. At least you got something back

Sucks that it was perpetrated by someone in such a position of trust

Captain Pablo said:

---

dermdoc said:

---

Captain Pablo said:

---

dermdoc said:

---

Bird Poo said:

---

swimmerbabe11 said:

---

The first time I did private confession, it wasn't actually my plan to be going to private confession. I was expecting to go to counseling about this exact type of issue.

After a few minutes of explaining my situation and why I was struggling with anger, frustration, and resentment, my pastor told me that I wasn't really dealing with my father's actions anymore, but rather my own inability to forgive and deal with my sinful nature. He asked me to repeat what I had told him, but with the recognition that a Christian has a duty to forgive those who trespass against them, and then he gave me absolution. I'm not even sure I'm explaining it all correctly, but I know it did more in that 20 minutes or so than any therapy has thought about achieving.

Highly suggest going to your spiritual leader to discuss these things. Private confession is very healing.

---

I had a similar experience my first confession. (Now) Bishop Mike Sis let me know that you don't have to like someone to forgive them.

---

Yep, we forgave my former office manager, supposed part of the family, who stole over a million from me over 15 years. And she was rich and married to a doc.

But we can not bring ourselves to like her.

---

Hopefully she went to prison

---

She paid me some to keep from going to prison. Was indicted for a first degree felony.

---

Ugh. At least you got something back

Sucks that it was perpetrated by someone in such a position of trust

---

I will not lie, it hurt really bad. Both emotionally and financially. But it made me realize that my identity is how Jesus sees me. And not what people think or how much money I have.

So I lost a ton of money but gained peace. I choose peace.

And God did this for a reason. I trust Him.

50 pushups huh? Are we talking Army/Marine type or Air Force level?

PabloSerna said:

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50 pushups huh? Are we talking Army/Marine type or Air Force level?

---

Hey I am 70. 50 push-ups are 50 push-ups.