Mother in Law Living Situation

5,044 Views | 47 Replies | Last: 2 mo ago by halfastros81
COSCagg17
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AG
Curious to get some advice on what everyone thinks the best path forward is for me and my family. Not sure if this is best forum for it but figured I'd start here due to it being financially centered.

Background: Wife is only child and wife's dad died ~15 years ago and left mother-in-law in poor financial health. MIL worked multiple jobs to put my wife through A&M and rose up to director level in a company and was doing very well for herself; however, she quit her job on a whim due to that company being bought out and conflicts with new leadership team without any plan whatsoever. This was about 3.5 years ago and she struggled to find anything for 8+ months (running through all of her savings as well as money we loaned her to keep renting the house she was in and cover basic necessities). She eventually landed a new job working remote and things were looking up, but that company laid her off after a couple of months and she was again back in the same situation (loaning money to help cover basics). When it came time to renew the lease for her house, we had a hard conversation and said she either moves in with us and we can help or she's on her own (we had our first kid on the way and could not keep giving money to help her stay afloat). She struggled to find anything for another couple of months and ended up taking an office manager position making ~$25/hr. Our agreement was that if she moved in, we would pay for food/housing/utilities and she would focus on paying off her car loan, credit cards, and build back up a savings. This is the current situation we are in now but honestly have no idea where she stands on her debts.

Current: I truly love my MIL and she has been amazing helping with the kid/cooking/ doing chores around the house. My wife thinks the best path forward is for her to stay with us for the foreseeable future if not forever; however, wife and I are now expecting our second child and I'm starting to stress the living situation. We have a 3/2 house and will need both bedrooms once the new baby is here (baby 2 due January 2026, probably need room in June 2026). House is on 4 acres so we have options but am trying to figure out the best financial path for my family. The options I have so far:

1.) Sell house and find/build house that has more room. While I would love to build, we were extremely lucky to buy in early 2020 and are at 3.5% APR on our house (bought at 250K and could easily sell now around 600k+). Location and schools are great but land/houses big enough for our situation are going for 650k+ with today's ~7%= APR's to bat. Hard pill to swallow on that one.

2.) Enclose garage and build into MIL-suite. Rough estimate of 30k-50k. Like having a garage for wife's vehicle and storage but would probably be easiest as it already has 3 walls and foundation plus drywall.

3.) Build ADU/detached MIL-suite. Rough estimate of 40k-60k self-performing a lot of it. Would need to figure out plumbing mostly as spot would be lower than current septic system.

4.) Build out shed. Have a 30x40 shed on the property that has water and electric to it but no plumbing. Build out would be 30k-50k. Self-perform most but again, big issue is plumbing.

5.) Buy "rental" house and "rent" to MIL. 200k-250k. While this is most expensive, my thought is the possible return for long term view, but also biggest risk. If we can get small 3/2 house in subdivision close to us, she can have her own space but also help us build long term investment. Risk is if she gets laid off/fired/can't pay
rent, we're stuck back in the same situation again with a second mortgage and nowhere in our house for her to move into.

I'm starting to feel the pressure and am wanting to narrow down options prior to doing anymore research/loan funding. Main question is which one helps us long term financially? Which option can help us regardless of the situation we're in so that we can use this to help in future ROI? Also would like the consensus on what this financially looks for regarding MIL. Should I expect her to put up money for this (which she doesn't have) or am I the one who's going to have to cover it all. Any and all advice is appreciated.

TLDR: Wifes mother is going to be with us probably till the end, little to no help financially, need best recommendation on financial path forward due to current house being full. Options 1-5 are my ponderings on path forward.
Rexter
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COSCagg17 said:

Curious to get some advice on what everyone thinks the best path forward is for me and my family. Not sure if this is best forum for it but figured I'd start here due to it being financially centered.

Background: Wife is only child and wife's dad died ~15 years ago and left mother-in-law in poor financial health. MIL worked multiple jobs to put my wife through A&M and rose up to director level in a company and was doing very well for herself; however, she quit her job on a whim due to that company being bought out and conflicts with new leadership team without any plan whatsoever. This was about 3.5 years ago and she struggled to find anything for 8+ months (running through all of her savings as well as money we loaned her to keep renting the house she was in and cover basic necessities). She eventually landed a new job working remote and things were looking up, but that company laid her off after a couple of months and she was again back in the same situation (loaning money to help cover basics). When it came time to renew the lease for her house, we had a hard conversation and said she either moves in with us and we can help or she's on her own (we had our first kid on the way and could not keep giving money to help her stay afloat). She struggled to find anything for another couple of months and ended up taking an office manager position making ~$25/hr. Our agreement was that if she moved in, we would pay for food/housing/utilities and she would focus on paying off her car loan, credit cards, and build back up a savings. This is the current situation we are in now but honestly have no idea where she stands on her debts.

Current: I truly love my MIL and she has been amazing helping with the kid/cooking/ doing chores around the house. My wife thinks the best path forward is for her to stay with us for the foreseeable future if not forever; however, wife and I are now expecting our second child and I'm starting to stress the living situation. We have a 3/2 house and will need both bedrooms once the new baby is here (baby 2 due January 2026, probably need room in June 2026). House is on 4 acres so we have options but am trying to figure out the best financial path for my family. The options I have so far:

1.) Sell house and find/build house that has more room. While I would love to build, we were extremely lucky to buy in early 2020 and are at 3.5% APR on our house (bought at 250K and could easily sell now around 600k+). Location and schools are great but land/houses big enough for our situation are going for 650k+ with today's ~7%= APR's to bat. Hard pill to swallow on that one.
Take the equity and buy a bigger house. Charge MIL rent and pay down the mortgage balance. Prolly the least expensive route.

2.) Enclose garage and build into MIL-suite. Rough estimate of 30k-50k. Like having a garage for wife's vehicle and storage but would probably be easiest as it already has 3 walls and foundation plus drywall.

Workable but you lose your garage and prolly the a hit on value if you sell later without undoing the rehab.

3.) Build ADU/detached MIL-suite. Rough estimate of 40k-60k self-performing a lot of it. Would need to figure out plumbing mostly as spot would be lower than current septic system.

Decent option


4.) Build out shed. Have a 30x40 shed on the property that has water and electric to it but no plumbing. Build out would be 30k-50k. Self-perform most but again, big issue is plumbing.

Decent option as well, but septic might be expensive, especially if you have to go with another system if the current system is too small to handle the increased load.

5.) Buy "rental" house and "rent" to MIL. 200k-250k. While this is most expensive, my thought is the possible return for long term view, but also biggest risk. If we can get small 3/2 house in subdivision close to us, she can have her own space but also help us build long term investment. Risk is if she gets laid off/fired/can't pay
rent, we're stuck back in the same situation again with a second mortgage and nowhere in our house for her to move into.

This seems to be the most expensive and riskiest option due to her employment status.

I'm starting to feel the pressure and am wanting to narrow down options prior to doing anymore research/loan funding. Main question is which one helps us long term financially? Which option can help us regardless of the situation we're in so that we can use this to help in future ROI? Also would like the consensus on what this financially looks for regarding MIL. Should I expect her to put up money for this (which she doesn't have) or am I the one who's going to have to cover it all. Any and all advice is appreciated.

TLDR: Wifes mother is going to be with us probably till the end, little to no help financially, need best recommendation on financial path forward due to current house being full. Options 1-5 are my ponderings on path forward.
CC09LawAg
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Typical TexAgs response that you didn't ask for:

Is your plan for your kids to go to daycare? Or will your wife stay home?

If it is, depending on where you live you may be surprised to find that it would be financially cheaper for you to have your MIL rent somewhere rather than paying a daycare for 2 kids. Then you're basically paying her and helping her out in exchange for "free" childcare.

Assuming, of course, you trust your MIL to watch the kids - I know that isn't always a great idea.

The numbers may not make sense but wanted to throw it out there as an option you may not have considered.
mosdefn14
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AG
TLDR

I run through a similar problem in my head frequently. My idea is going to be buy the smallest/cheapest house in the best neighboring school district for MIL on a 10 year interest only note.

The savings from not paying for private school x3 or property taxes on a family sized house for myself in that district will pay the mortgage on a house for her.
I bleed maroon
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AG
Another item to consider is how much debt does your MIL have outstanding? $500, $5000, $50,000 or $500,000? If it's a lot, she unfortunately may be better off declaring bankruptcy (but I'm no expert in this). If it's manageable, you'll want to be assured that this won't be an issue going forward. In effect, you're an unsecured creditor, and you kind of need to know her situation before throwing good money after bad.

On the housing front, I'd focus on the alternative that best improves the value of your home. An ADU seems to make the most sense, if you can swing it, as it gives you some privacy, improves your home value, and keeps her nearby to help out with day care. I like the day care avoidance viewpoint above - a good way to look at it, if it's going to be a longer-term issue.
Tumble Weed
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Option 3

You are going to need a little separation long term.
sts7049
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AG
how old is MIL?
jja79
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If you want to buy a house for her to live in but don't want to have to get a mortgage with investment loan terms you might look at a Family Opportunity Mortgage.
Stat Monitor Repairman
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#3
COSCagg17
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Shes 58, in moderately good health
COSCagg17
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My wife wants to stay working so we have the first in daycare right now. We are going to discuss her going down to part time once the second gets here to save on daycare costs and her be home more with them. In regards to MIL watching kids, she does a great job at watching one now but I don't think she would be interested/ have the stamina to do it everyday. It's also cheaper for us to pay daycare $350/wk compared to what she makes now at $1000/wk to include benefits.
CC09LawAg
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Then I'm saying option 3 as well.
COSCagg17
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Don't have exact details on debt but if I had to guess 15k-30k. Mostly her vehicle and credit cards. While its not much I know my FIL had quite a lot of debt that he left in her name so who knows how much really. MIL and wife do not talk about that situation much so hard to know exactly. I know he had my wife on some cards as well but we have worked on getting those cleared and off her credit, been a long battle building her credit score up due to it.
techno-ag
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Rental properties really help your taxes. Everything is deductible and it's treated as a depreciating asset even though it (usually) appreciates.

Figure out a way to rent something to your MIL even at a discounted "family" rate and you will reap the tax benefits. Maybe even one of the MIL suite options.
Pro College Station Convention Center
BBDP
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Build a concrete pad with a hose bib and sewer cleanout and 20,30 or 50 amp hookup. Have her buy an RV and have her live there for 3-4 years while you figure out the rest. An RV hook up on the property is a great add on a 4 ac tract.
We have one and rent the pad out for $1,000 per month (we pay utilities).
sts7049
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i think this is important, because it sounds like she is still in a place where she ought to be able to figure this out on her own.

i support my father financially, and have now for some years. it's a necessity due to many factors, but, when i started doing so i was clear that i am ok to give you X a month, but, you need to be able to live within this means. my goal is to make sure he's got a roof over his head, not to be sure he has netflix to watch at night. he has since gone onto social security so he gets a little bit there now too.

i would recommend whatever option you guys are comfortable with financially helping out with. if it's just a flat stipend and letting her manage the rest, do that. next level to that for me would be acquiring a second small property and renting it to her, because you get some benefit there.

i wouldn't personally want to bring her into or on your own property permanently. even with good relationships, it's a lot of demand on you guys not having that separation. and i don't get the impression that she is so helpless that she can't figure anything out on her own.
COSCagg17
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Solid option regarding long term play for property because my wife and I would like to get an RV one day to travel once the kids are a little older. And I know my parents would love to bring their RV up and save money on hotels every time they want to visit.

Downside in my mind is she'll never recover her money in an RV since it's such a depreciating asset (especially the ones they glue together nowadays). Hard for me to make that recommendation knowing it's just sinking money into nothing. But I guess who knows, maybe that'll give her time to land a new job or get cast in the next Taylor Sheridan show
flashplayer
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Do not go with #5 is my advice. Just very inconvenient first off and really extends you financially. The time savings alone will probably be worth avoiding this route.
trip98
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as much as you all financially support her, IMO it is perfectly reasonable to sit down with her and have her lay out all of her debts. Position it as a way to help her. Also tell her your thoughts and how you want to solve something that works for ALL of you long term. She MUST respect you and your families needs/wants. If she is not willing to do that, then that is a big warning sign for you and your wife. This conversation probably should have occurred a while ago when you were first considering letting her into your house.

Start there and it will give you some insight as to how far you should go to help. Might open your wife's eyes a little bit if the MIL is not open/cooperative.

I would also add I do like the posters idea above of giving a stipend. If you just keep throwing money at her no matter the amount how does that change her spending behavior?

If you and wife want an RV long term, why not do the pad idea, buy the RV yourself and have your MIL pay you rent each month to live in it? ASSUMING she would live in an RV. If she's willing to be open/honest and accept help (aka budgeting) with her finances you might find a way she can carve out some rent for the RV. Gets you what you want (RV and MIL living space nearby but out of your house), defrays some cost of the RV and gives you ready made vacation plans in a few years when kids are a little older.
fulshearAg96
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we built our inlaws a studio apartment on the back side of our shop/metal building which is on our property. it's nice and within their budget. this has kept them close to my wife but also allowed us some distance since I work from the house.
one safe place
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techno-ag said:

Rental properties really help your taxes. Everything is deductible and it's treated as a depreciating asset even though it (usually) appreciates.

Figure out a way to rent something to your MIL even at a discounted "family" rate and you will reap the tax benefits. Maybe even one of the MIL suite options.
Other than depreciation (which won't be much) you pay (write checks) for those tax benefits. (You actually pay for the depreciation as well, when you purchase the structure.) So, if you generate a $20,000 loss via cash outflow, you save 32% or 35% (most likely) resulting in a savings of $6,000 or $7,000 or so. $20k out for $6k or $7k back, is not optimal. Plus, you get to pay taxes on the ultimate sale.
one safe place
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As someone else suggested, buy her a used RV and set it up on your place. While, as you mention, it is a depreciating asset, you also pay no property tax on the RV. I wouldn't even insure it. If she gets a job (and it looks like she will keep it), then sell the RV (at a loss most likely) and move it off your place. If you look at what you saved in property taxes and insurance vs the loss you have on the decline in value of the RV, I bet you would still come out ahead.
BBDP
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Have her buy one that 5 years old and depreciation has flattened out.

Lots of good Covid RVs available.
She does not need a big one. If she is healthy and get around well, she will just use it to sleep and then retreat to when she needs a break. I expect her meals, most of laundry and a good portion of her bathing will be in the main house.
I bleed maroon
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BBDP said:

Have her buy one that 5 years old and depreciation has flattened out.

Lots of good Covid RVs available.
She does not need a big one. If she is healthy and get around well, she will just use it to sleep and then retreat to when she needs a break. I expect her meals, most of laundry and a good portion of her bathing will be in the main house.
If price is paramount, you can get a lot of living space from a bunkhouse-type travel trailer. Even a brand new one can be had for $20-30k. Multiple beds, full bath, etc. Sell it for half that in 4-5 years, and it probably can't be beat, cost-wise.

EDIT: Found this one - something like this is what I'd consider: https://rv.campingworld.com/rv/2025-heartland-pioneer-17bh-2447306-new-braunfels-tx?storecode=SW&scpc=evrgrn-gshp-cwrv-nat-vla&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22475751971&gbraid=0AAAAAD8jUGMtroahyYJvPunNKMU_CazhW&gclid=Cj0KCQjwmK_CBhCEARIsAMKwcD7OJySq7NhR8PILNxD3gtmwXGQxBeuFRTmkqoK5FCdjkya9EeBSEFUaAneLEALw_wcB

New. With slab and connections, you could be good to go for less than $20k? Just food for thought.
AggieStan
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Marriage counseling
Stat Monitor Repairman
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RV makes perfect sense. Practically and financially.

But fails to account for the bs associated with putting your MIL in an RV. You'll be taking it from both ends and never hear the end of it.

So it's hard to put a price on that.
Dr. Doctor
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AG
As someone in a partially similar situation, if I could move my MiL from my house to a spot still on property, but we all get our own 'space', I'd think of that as an absolute win. Mine lives in an apartment 4 miles away (and I live in the suburbs, without the land), so we have space, but can see each other more often.

The other thing to consider is that with the 2nd kid, the amount of 'stuff' you'll need grows exponentially. So the 3/2 will be really REALLY tight moving forward. Having a cool-down spot for MiL and spouse (or kid(s)) is good.

I'd agree with other posters to not convert the garage. The metal building option would be good, but I feel the slab with RV connection is probably the easiest/fastest/cheapest way to go. You could charge rent for the RV, mostly just utilities, with the electricity being maxed out 24/7 as the actual 'costs'. Let her find/buy the RV, if she can, as that should alleviate some resentment. For example, if you pick one and it leaks and destroys her clothes, she's mad at you for buying it. If she bought it and it leaks, well...that's on her.

There's some logisitics of getting an RV or trailer (a single wide, would it fit?) on site, but the other options, I feel, would be much easier to deal with (plumbing and electrical).

I would, under no major circumstances, move out of the house unless the family needs the space. I would try like the dickens to hold onto the sub 4% mortgage for as long as you can, assuming schools are good and job doesn't change.

~egon
permabull
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AG
You sound like you have a better relationship with your mother in law than I do. I wouldn't let her go homeless, but my final offer would be to pay for her apartment minimum of 50 miles away from me.
techno-ag
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AG
one safe place said:

techno-ag said:

Rental properties really help your taxes. Everything is deductible and it's treated as a depreciating asset even though it (usually) appreciates.

Figure out a way to rent something to your MIL even at a discounted "family" rate and you will reap the tax benefits. Maybe even one of the MIL suite options.
Other than depreciation (which won't be much) you pay (write checks) for those tax benefits. (You actually pay for the depreciation as well, when you purchase the structure.) So, if you generate a $20,000 loss via cash outflow, you save 32% or 35% (most likely) resulting in a savings of $6,000 or $7,000 or so. $20k out for $6k or $7k back, is not optimal. Plus, you get to pay taxes on the ultimate sale.

Good nuance, but don't forget deductible annual depreciation and mortgage interest deductions. And if you do a 1031 exchange when you sell, you don't pay any taxes.
Pro College Station Convention Center
HECUBUS
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AG
My MIL was left with two daughters and a house. We cleaned it up and sold the house. Got her a duplex locally and hired her to nanny our kids. (Both her daughters worked their way through degrees at ATM.) After our kids didn't need looking after, she got a job at the local ISD. She came to Austin with $55k and no job. She is thinking about retiring and is today a millionaire. Not that that means much outside of she did well with what she had. However, it turned out great for everyone. I feel bad for my working friends with kids and no MIL option. Lucky timing.
Wahoo82
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AG
My MIL has lived with us twice for various periods and reasons. She now needs too much care and needs assisted living. So keep in mind how long will she be able to live independently. It may impact your options..
DannyDuberstein
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AG
#1 is figure out what situation is most likely to result in you and your wife keeping your sanity and harmony in your marriage. IMO this starts with getting MIL out of the 4 walls of your home AND something that does not financially stretch your young family. I would start with the RV and then at some point you can evaluate a MIL guest house/extension
birdman
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58 years old and in good health. And she's had good jobs in the past. She needs to find her own place to live.

Floating somebody for years is naive. If she wants to be helped there are rules. You and wife need to see all of her financial information. Period.
Quinn
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AG
If she is staying with you and you are supporting her, you need to know exactly how much debt she is in so that everyone is on the same page and to know if this is a situation that can resolve itself.

OP hasn't said that they have a bad relationship - seems like a good one, so keeping her on property seems like a good idea to me. I don't like the living in an RV move, seems a little bit degrading. Move her to an apartment before you do that.
IslandAg76
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AG
My grandmother raised me some and lived with me the last 25 years of her life (101 years)
For post of that time we bought a mobile home for her. Was about 50 yards from the house. She had her own space, the feeling of independence but she often made the 50 yard trek for dinner and was ready for us to check on her.
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