Our dad has finally chilled out some. He can still lose his cool sometimes, but nothing like he used to. Maybe it's just his old age (approaching 70). Maybe he just doesn't have the energy for it now. Maybe it's all the alone time he has to reflect. Maybe he's finally realizing that he's accomplished enough and, because he doesn't overload his plate with work tasks, he can just be calmer. Where he used to say "I'll see if I can make it" when invited to birthday parties or family gatherings, he is starting to ask us what our plans are. He's still (his name), but he's a much less stressed version of it and his outburst have radically reduced.

I wouldn't say this is "normal" father-son relationships, but they are common. If he is a step up from his father, then I would recommend finding it in your heart to appreciate that as much as you can. Focus on that positive truth and let the rest just be. At that point you can love your dad and hopefully watch him grow to a point where he chills out some. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. And if he did better than his dad, logically you can see the opportunity for you to do a better job than him.

I think I'm doing a better job than my dad at this point. No one can really know until their kids are adults. But no matter how hard I try, I do make mistakes. Everyone does. And those mistakes give us the chance to grow in humility, learn how to apologize to our children, and maybe come to walk in your dad's shoes. See how frustration can mount to the point of blowing up. Do better than him, but understand how a man could let those moments get to him if he isn't careful.

Last thing I'll say is that my dad and I had nothing to talk about anything other than politics until my kids were old enough to piss me off over trivial things. Fighting that fight has given me a lot more to talk to him about on a personal level. In my experience, if he truly loves you and you love him, and you can focus on the good that he does do rather than the good he fails to do, prayer and time have a way of helping. My brothers are much more focused on what he failed/fails to do and it's eating them up in a way that I can't relate to at all.

Op are you plugged into a local church? Can you go to your pastor with this?

i have a church ive been attending for about 18 months but i have struggled to build relationships with the leaders. im not sure how to go about opening up about this with them

94chem said:

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Somebody whose names escapes me once said that after age 30, your baggage is your own.

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That's not entirely true. You can't just turn off a terrible childhood.

The Banned said:

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My dad was an *******. He demeaned our mother. He insulted my two brothers and I on a regular basis, and it was very personal. He was constantly on edge. It was incredibly rare to just enjoy a moment with him. The moments he enjoyed most were the times that we completed a task "Spending time together" didn't exist outside of a task. And even then, there was no praise. Our reward was that he didn't make fun of us. Why? Because that freed up time to work on a new task tomorrow.

As an adult I have realized my dad's goal is to leave us with as much as he possibly can. He wants to love us through an inheritance. All of his frustration and anger stemmed from this desire to go above and beyond materially. In his mind, all of his outbursts were trivial because they didn't prevent him from reaching his goal. Why? Because his WW2 dad's goal was to leave him as much as possible. Why? Because my great-grandpa fought in WW! and lost everything in the great depression.

This has not helped my two brothers come to peace with the upbringing, but it has helped me. My dad was stressed as hell because he had a very clear vision of what a "good dad" was. Maybe his vision was incorrect. But what I can say is that, however misguided he may have been by the cultural/societal messaging he may have received, he does love us. He may not be "speaking our love language". But it's on us to choose the rubric to judge him. I would encourage you to dig into your father's past before defining the rubric.

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I think you have a very enlightened understanding of your father and under the circumstances that seems like a tremendous gift from God.

My $0.02: our obligation as children is to honor our parents and to love them where they are, but it doesn't mean we have to like them or spend every day with them, especially if they are behaving in a way that is cruel or self-destructive or otherwise harmful to themselves or to us. But if they need us we must love them because God loves them and expects us to love them too. Authentic love is sacrificial. When we love our parents even though we would rather just stay away we are sacrificing ourselves for our parents and in that we are honoring them. When we do unto them as we would have them do unto us, we are also offering them the chance to heal and possibly seek reconciliation. We can't force it, but we can make it possible. The rest is up to God and them.

cvenag03 said:

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i have a church ive been attending for about 18 months but i have struggled to build relationships with the leaders. im not sure how to go about opening up about this with them

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There are some excellent counselors out there, including some who are unafraid to make faith part of the healing process. It might be worth it to seek out one and start the process of healing for yourself.

Everyone in this thread has offered valid insights and suggestions. I would just like to point out that the observation that our parents are just human like all of us is a big step in the right direction. We are all impacted by various events in our past and so are our parents. Trauma is probably overused but we are all impacted by various levels of trauma as kids and that absolutely affects us in ways that are difficult to predict and equally difficult to heal. I would also point out that generational trauma is real and is not only something that can be passed on as a learned behavior but in extreme cases can actually be passed on genetically.

Most people born in the 50s or earlier would never consider seeking out the help of mental health professional. So they just turn inward or self-medicate or "pass it on" because that's how they learned to do it.

We have to ask God for the grace to help us be compassionate and we have to invite Jesus Christ into the emotional wounds and surrender it all to him, daily. He can't heal us if we don't let him in and give him control. But if we do, he can bring peace to us and our loved ones.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." (John 14:27, RSV-CE)

Queso1 said:

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94chem said:

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Somebody whose names escapes me once said that after age 30, your baggage is your own.

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That's not entirely true. You can't just turn off a terrible childhood.

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That's not what that means.

94chem said:

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Queso1 said:

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94chem said:

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Somebody whose names escapes me once said that after age 30, your baggage is your own.

---

That's not entirely true. You can't just turn off a terrible childhood.

---

That's not what that means.

---

Yeah, I can see how the ambiguity of that statement might lead to different understandings. I think it means that at some point, perhaps after 30, you are responsible for dealing with your emotional baggage, hopefully in a productive and healthy manner. It doesn't mean that the source(s) of whatever "baggage" you're carrying are absolved of any responsibility. It just means that it's up to you to unpack that baggage and work through it as best you can.

Sharing this for OP's benefit but we can all benefit from listening to this. Hope it blesses you.



http://restoretheglorypodcast.libsyn.com/immanuel-approach-with-dr-karl-lehman

cvenag03 said:

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title. probably not a terribly uncommon feeling. I seriously have been resenting my father the last few years and honestly upon deeper reflection probably have my whole life. I do love my father and I know he loves me. I was never hit or physically abused in anyway. He is a believer and raised me under the Word and in the Church and i am incredibly thankful for that. He would do just about anything for me at a moments notice. But there was so much anger, impatience, and humiliation from him growing up. It felt like walking on egg shells around him. Communication went mostly through my mother unless it was something serious and then he just got super pissed. I can think of so many instances of him getting angry or snapping at me over something trivial. I dont know if this is a normal part of a father-son relationship and I am just overly sensitive or what. We honestly dont even know how to talk to each other. Our phone calls are >5 minutes typically, we never really hungout growing up. I dont think I started joking around with him till I was a sophomore or so in high school. I think this upbringing has seriously affected me and how i am today in a negative way. I am terrified that when I become a father i will be the same as him. I dont know how to talk to him about this or what to do. I apologize if this devolved into rambling. I am just getting thoughts out into the world and looking for feedback.

Thanks

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This story sounds all too familiar. The only real difference was the war/conflict in which our dads fought (Korean Conflict here). Otherwise, the symptoms are almost identical. I later learned that my dad's perpetual frustration and anger which he directed upon his family was rooted in his belief that he could and should have done more for us. But, because of this compulsion to provide, he became a work phobic, this abandoning his wife and kids and leaving his parenting responsibilities to my mom and other men in our neighborhood. We wanted verbal affirmation much more that physical things, but it was as if he was incapable of saying and doing these positive things including saying the all important words, "I love you." on a weekend when my ex and I visited my parents, a very private conversation between the two of us revealed that he believed that he did not have long to live. My instant response to him was, "Well, dad, if that is the case, the most important thing you can do is to make peace with your maker and with others whom you have offended." After staring at me for what seemed like an eternity, he uttered the words, "I just can't do that." And then, for the first time, he wept in front of me. And that was the end of the conversation. The next weekend, he was in involved in a fatal accident, never to be redeemed. I didn't mourn for him or for myself. In fact, I never really thought of him much afterwards and don't do this day. My mom lived a different, vital, dedicated, adventurous, fruitful life after he passed. My dad no doubt taught me a lot of wonderful lessons like having a strong work ethic and sensing the need to provide essential needs for his family. But I made the decision long ago to be almost completely different than he was. That decision was difficult inasmuch as it is much harder to break the chain that has been created for you. Some of you understand what I'm talking about. Yet, my decision to be different as paid off big dividends. Even after the shortest of conversations with my adult children, the critical words automatically come from my mouth. My son calls me about every 3 days, and my daughter and I chat once a week. No regrets. My dad missed having what I have now. He blew it. New chain, better relationships.

FTACo88-FDT24dad said:

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94chem said:

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Queso1 said:

---

94chem said:

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Somebody whose names escapes me once said that after age 30, your baggage is your own.

---

That's not entirely true. You can't just turn off a terrible childhood.

---

That's not what that means.

---

Yeah, I can see how the ambiguity of that statement might lead to different understandings. I think it means that at some point, perhaps after 30, you are responsible for dealing with your emotional baggage, hopefully in a productive and healthy manner. It doesn't mean that the source(s) of whatever "baggage" you're carrying are absolved of any responsibility. It just means that it's up to you to unpack that baggage and work through it as best you can.

---

Yeah, that's it. You can't undo it. You can't do it over. You can't ignore it. You can't blame it. You can't wallow in it. You have to deal with it in a way that makes you stronger, not weaker. Easier said than done. But we humans have a lot of ways for wasting our 20's. This is one of them.

Man if this doesn't sound exactly like my situation. I've been struggling with this lately as I currently have no urge to speak with my father since his last outburst. He's an emotionally immature ******* and has been the majority of my life. The constant negativity, berating and belittling of my mom and sister, and the unpredictable moods. Any little thing can set him off. I'm 33 and have never been able to be myself around him, like constantly walking on eggshells. So exhausting. I feel like my growth as a person was stunted due to his behavior, specifically in my self-esteem and handling conflict. There were periods of time where he was loving such as being supportive of my school and career choices and handling a job loss. He does make sure to tell me he loves me every time we see each other. I'm just sick and tired of his antics.

Not only that, but he'll go out of his to make racist comments around me and my wife, of which i've had to draw a boundary on with him. What bugs me the most is how he says he values one thing, but acts opposite of that.

I just got married 3 weeks ago, and the night before my wedding he creates drama. Kicks my sister out of the room they were staying in at the resort my wedding was at. She stood up to him as he belittled my mom and he lashed out at her. My sister had just gotten out of a broken engagement, and my dad told her he already wasted $10K on her for the failed engagement in wedding costs. What kind of sick **** is that?

Long story short, my sister ends up staying in a different room that my in-laws paid for. My friends saw all this go down and now my wife's family is involved in this. He couldn't even keep it together for one night, on my most important weekend of my life.

I know he's admitted of being physically and emotionally abused by his father, who's still living. I've never seen them hug and hardly say i love you. But he had every opportunity to break the cycle, and chose not to. I'm afraid i might carry over his bully-like behaviors into my family. I'm just sick of his crap.

Going forward, my wife and I believe we'll just limit our time around him and my mom, as they are a package deal. But the moment his behavior is out of line, we're out.

"He blew it"

Maybe he did, but maybe he was a man of that time and place where those type of things were just not ever discussed.

I shared an insight I believe God granted me to diffuse the anger I had built up towards my dad. In the end, I came to the realization that he was this young man not too mature and completely in a different world.

I admire men like you who have the awareness to break from a past that now your kids enjoy and hopefully their kids as well.

94chem said:

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FTACo88-FDT24dad said:

---

94chem said:

---

Queso1 said:

---

94chem said:

---

Somebody whose names escapes me once said that after age 30, your baggage is your own.

---

That's not entirely true. You can't just turn off a terrible childhood.

---

That's not what that means.

---

Yeah, I can see how the ambiguity of that statement might lead to different understandings. I think it means that at some point, perhaps after 30, you are responsible for dealing with your emotional baggage, hopefully in a productive and healthy manner. It doesn't mean that the source(s) of whatever "baggage" you're carrying are absolved of any responsibility. It just means that it's up to you to unpack that baggage and work through it as best you can.

---

Yeah, that's it. You can't undo it. You can't do it over. You can't ignore it. You can't blame it. You can't wallow in it. You have to deal with it in a way that makes you stronger, not weaker. Easier said than done. But we humans have a lot of ways for wasting our 20's. This is one of them.

---

I want to suggest that we are all describing what can be characterized as suffering. It is the outflow of brokenness in relationships, whether with God or with others. But here's the Gospel (the good news): God became one of us and went all the way down into the deepest depths of our brokenness and sin and redeemed it all. Jesus makes all things new again, not all new things. We are called to follow him along the way to Golgatha, not as spectators but as participants who have denied ourselves and taken up our own crosses, our sufferings.

Suffering can and should be experienced not as a curse, but as a participation in the redemptive process, the refining fire that conforms us to our savior so that we can make up what is lacking in the afflictions of Christ, for the sake of his body the church.

Not that suffering is a good, but rather that it has been and can be redeemed, if we accept it in an act of faith and trust and unite it to Christ's suffering so that we might come to experience it is an opportunity to purify ourselves, to make ourselves more holy in conformity to Christ.

The brokenness that we might perpetuate by our choices or that we experience because of others' choices is the opportunity to become a saint who can say with all sincerity "Glory to God for all things." It is in the midst of suffering, when we have lost everything or been hurt or wronged or have hurt or wronged others that we can meet the living God, but only if, by his grace, we open up our hearts to Jesus and invite him into our pain and give him permission to use it for his own purpose.

Bottom line: surrender your pain and brokenness to Jesus Christ. Do it daily, even hourly if you must, but stop hanging onto it. Accept it, but give it to Jesus and let him be your Simon the Cyrenian.

And to be clear, I am not saying your suffering is invalid or an afterthought. Quite the opposite. I am saying it has meaning and can be used by God to make things new again.

I'm also the first to say that a good, spiritually-oriented counselor/therapist can be very helpful. Everyone in this thread who has courageously shared a bad experience with their father has been wounded at some level. Don't pretend otherwise. The only way around suffering is to go through it and to do so honestly and forthrightly. Expose that pain to the light and let God heal you.

Allen Gamble said:

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Man if this doesn't sound exactly like my situation. I've been struggling with this lately as I currently have no urge to speak with my father since his last outburst. He's an emotionally immature ******* and has been the majority of my life. The constant negativity, berating and belittling of my mom and sister, and the unpredictable moods. Any little thing can set him off. I'm 33 and have never been able to be myself around him, like constantly walking on eggshells. So exhausting. I feel like my growth as a person was stunted due to his behavior, specifically in my self-esteem and handling conflict. There were periods of time where he was loving such as being supportive of my school and career choices and handling a job loss. He does make sure to tell me he loves me every time we see each other. I'm just sick and tired of his antics.

Not only that, but he'll go out of his to make racist comments around me and my wife, of which i've had to draw a boundary on with him. What bugs me the most is how he says he values one thing, but acts opposite of that.

I just got married 3 weeks ago, and the night before my wedding he creates drama. Kicks my sister out of the room they were staying in at the resort my wedding was at. She stood up to him as he belittled my mom and he lashed out at her. My sister had just gotten out of a broken engagement, and my dad told her he already wasted $10K on her for the failed engagement in wedding costs. What kind of sick **** is that?

Long story short, my sister ends up staying in a different room that my in-laws paid for. My friends saw all this go down and now my wife's family is involved in this. He couldn't even keep it together for one night, on my most important weekend of my life.

I know he's admitted of being physically and emotionally abused by his father, who's still living. I've never seen them hug and hardly say i love you. But he had every opportunity to break the cycle, and chose not to. I'm afraid i might carry over his bully-like behaviors into my family. I'm just sick of his crap.

Going forward, my wife and I believe we'll just limit our time around him and my mom, as they are a package deal. But the moment his behavior is out of line, we're out.

---

I will be 59 in 2 weeks and I can tell you that I have experienced very similar behavior with my almost 84 year old dad for all of my post-adolescent life. My dad is an alcoholic and I didn't really understand this until I quit drinking 8 years ago after 35 years of alcohol abuse. I love my dad and he loves me, but his addiction has been the source of countless episodes very similar to the one you shared.

I am sorry you have to experience that. I am sorry your dad can't regulate his emotions in a more positive way.

I will not try to excuse your dad for his actions but I will encourage you to consider that his brokenness is likely the result of real unresolved traumas in his past. Doesn't excuse his behavior, but it might help you to understand them.

I pray that you find a way to heal from what happened and that your dad will find peace.

Hang in there.

Good post. I made some attempt at tackling the topic years ago...

https://a.co/d/270kzQd

94chem said:

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Good post. I made some attempt at tackling the topic years ago...

https://a.co/d/270kzQd

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Are you the author of that book?

Yes

94chem said:

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Yes

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Very cool! Looks like an awesome piece of work. Would love to hear your experience in writing it and how it has changed your perspective over time.

I figure you are a good dad and mom when your kids and grandkids want to hang with us all the time.

Or maybe because we pay for everything.

And as far as being "old" at 70 I just turned 70, do the tread at a 12 minute a mile pace, 50 push-ups, and seeing 50-60 patients 2.5 days a week.

God ain't done with me yet,